Feral ballerina

This document begs for a separate analysis... so here's a start.

Find a picture of me here.

I used to plan to wait until by familiarity Martha (the name I will use to refer to my future partner) and I would meet each other and gradually become more involved.

Recently I, contrary to all expectations, met someone who might do, and the result has been “el amor no correspondido,” unrequited love. But I met her! I never thought I would, going to a state college in southern California. So, she is out there, however much I may place myself where my Martha is least likely to be.

Martha is: Martha lives near by. I walk by her house every day but I don't yet know which one is hers. She may be a student at State. She doesn't fit in well here, or anywhere really. She knows she must make her own place. By being herself she provokes all who know her to wonder and to change.

She has yet to break through to an identity that is both unique and recognized as great by more than a few others, like, for example, dancer/choreographer Martha Graham. She doesn't expect that. She does plan to create a way of being in the world she can love.

Martha is sensitive, weak, and brutally honest with herself. She laughs at who she has been. She laughs at who she is now. She values who she is and has been.

She has chosen an often solitary path. She is reminded of how valuable a man to love is. She is more ready to love now than she has been, but her uncertainties about her future and about her motivations make her love of the childish kind. She loves and loves intensely, and the playground bell rings, recess ends for the day, the school year ends. She changes and so do her friends.

“But what kind of guy can work with that?” she thinks. She is trying to build something solid, permanent, unchanging. The thing is, that permanence will be created with the one she loves. While she will continue to stand single, until she dies, if that is how it works out, at the same time, she cannot stand alone. For now, she's not getting further than, “If it works out, it works out.”

Martha already has a distinctive identity, but she is, as I said, weak. The weakness is, perhaps, a lack of faith in her ability to arrange her life so that she loves living. The one she will love also has that lack of faith in himself, but both know that by working together they can, maybe, will, become far far stronger than either imagined being single.

She is reminded of how relationships have devastated others she knew. Martha, though, loves with care. Every love has made her more than she was.

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So, that is fine for an abstract sketch of the emotional background of the relationship. Martha and I are able to cry, sob together or one to the other and to comfort each other. We know we are dying. We know the culture we live in kills. And we also know that as we maintain and grow our strength we will be building the new culture of life, incorporating the positive parts of the culture from which we came. Are you Martha? Could you be?

I am 29. My birthday is in January. I live with my grandma (89). I take classes at SDSU. I take only two classes at a time because I value having time to follow my whims. I can pass hours, happily, watching my mind, listening, as you might watch the bright white clouds of a thunder storm, cumulonimbus, forming in the sun. I work part time (20-15 hrs./month avg.) at the Kroc center facilitating challenge-course team-building. I plan to start working as a tutor for composition (writing) classes at SDSU in the fall. I've been living off savings and have $3,500 left.

I don't have a car and don't use them. I won't gripe about your car, if you have one, but it is unlikely that I will ride in it. I rarely travel, though I like to walk. Once a month I take the bus out to Point Loma to visit my other grandparents, and sometimes my cousins and other relatives that live out that way. I like to get up early and go to bed early. I sleep on the ground.

Practically, if we are to be more than friends, it would help if you think we could go well together in terms of attractiveness, physical fitness, etc.. But I am not picky about the physical characteristics of a great and challenging mind.

In the long run it comes down to, for both of us, living (providing shelter, food, heat, engagement in life) in a way we love or at least like. If you can appreciate the anarcho-/neo-primitivist mindset—though I don't quite fit that label—...well, I don't need to say any more!

Yes, I am at times amotivated, wandering. I don't stay that way. I keep working at things allowing for that, and I get things done. Yes I have and have had habits I don't like, the big one is strangeness about how I eat, and occasional eating quite a lot, and I do a decent job of managing this. If you can relate that would help.

Health wise, things are pretty good. I'm lean and look nice from the exercise I do. I have fungus that has eaten away at some of my toenails (it doesn't hurt me, I don't hurt it; doctor says it is not contagious in showers. I probably got it wearing wet combat boots for weeks at a time when canoing in Canada). I have moles. I can't think of anything else too shocking, but you can always read my updates on this site for more info.

Long-term I don't know how an intimate relationship with a woman could work out. Would we live in the same place even? I like the thought of just being in the same neighborhood.

A concern of anyone considering interacting with me may be what I might write about her. I wouldn't worry about it. I'm unlikely to do what I did back when I was in NYC. I haven't been publishing the notes I make on occasion, and do not think I will start again.

Strategy from here on out: Post this to my site. Tell people about my site. Post to sandiego.craigslist.org once a week or so. See what happens.

How to change and develop: The further along I get in my studies and my teaching, provided I stick with it, the more traditionally desirable I will become. But I still feel a draw to the homeless and house-free life, though I have already tried it and chosen to be here.