Feral ballerina begs for analysis. What can I do for the moment?
First: That writing came out of being away from classes (and the people there) for a whole week during spring break. I'll try not to let that happen again.
Second: for much of the description of Martha, I was thinking of myself, except for the description of how she loves, then I was thinking of how it seemed to me some women I have known were--or maybe just one in particular.
Finally, the focus on being able to sob to each other came of something I do hope for, but also a reaction to a personal that interested me that said:
I don't need you
I won't need to spend time with you — but I'll probably want to. I don't need you to complete me, I'm whole as I am. I don't need you to be my everything — but I'll want you to be something. I don't need your money, your charity, your car, your house, your gifts — I'm doing perfectly fine with what I have. I don't need your affection — but I most certainly will want it (truth be told I'll probably be sad if I don't get it).
and another less interesting one: "My old boyfriends always say it was nice that I didn't have any issues."
What else. The whole thing seems symbolic of a larger problem or a deeper state. Most people don't write personals like this. Most people don't rave to the void in a way that no one will appreciate, and that they too hardly do.
I think I will try to be less of a freak and live a tame, undistinctive life... I'll keep working here and become a community college teacher in California or in Mexico. I don't want to be forever raving mad. Someone who people do not talk to because what he does is so inappropriate or incomprehensible to them. I won't be trying to change the world, or get people to pay attention to some great ideas... Well I will, but only as a side effect of helping them read and write.
Here's some more analysis, looking at more than just this personal:
Things are very interesting here... I can't say they are good because the sense is in part that I have become a crazy person babbling in ways that don't make sense to others and hardly make sense to myself.
(the opposite being expressing a message that resonates with many others, that I feel is of lasting value.)
I can find plenty of faults / reasons for that complaint though.... and that complaint, and the reasons I have it, seem to signs of great learning that could occur on my part.
I think I am looking for co-conspirators--local ones--and my misdirected, haphazard efforts to find some have yet to pan out. The truth is though that until only a month or two ago, I never even bothered looking! Now that I am, ...well I may find some.
The flip side of that is my question about how much I may be addicted to isolation. I don't think I am-- but I always wonder if I really would like what I think I want.
There is a huge egotism at work here as well-- I have this vision of me staying in this place and having the world transform around me to be more how I want it to be.
The following document though, Anarcho-/Neo-primitive MA Lit student at SDSU, age 29, seeks feral ballerina to forage and dance with
seems to me symbolic of the root of the problem.
Well, there. That's all I have right now!